Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the
closet door with a curtain. Two to three hours after you fall asleep, have your wife whip
open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong
Set your alarm clock to go off at random times
during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can,
then run to your kitchen with the garden hose while wearing a scuba mask.
Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
Every so often, yell "Emergency Deep",
run into the kitchen, and sweep all pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor.
Then, yell at your wife for not having the place "stowed for sea".
Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit
for 5 or 6 hours before drinking. Never wash any coffee cups.
Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of
your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug
them in). Go and stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular) "Stove
manned and ready". Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in
particular) "Stove secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.
Tag out the steering wheel, gas pedal, brake pedal,
transmission and cigarette lighter when you change the oil in your car.
Every four hours, check all the fluid levels in
your car and log the readings. Check the tire pressure and replace air lost from excessive
pressure checks. Be sure to place red tags on ignition stating "DANGER: Do Not
Operate" while you perform these checks. Inform your neighbor as to placement of the
red tags, the results of the checks, and have him repeat the checks because he did not see
you perform them.
Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording on
log sheets all vital information (i.e.: plugged in, lights come one when doors open, etc).
Sit up from 1130 to 0530 in front of your stove to
insure it doesn't turn on by accident.
Whenever the mailman steps onto your porch, shout
"Postmaster General - Arriving" so that everyone in the house can hear you.
Paint the windshield of your car black. Make your
wife stand up through the sunroof and give you directions on where to drive. Drive through
as many big puddles as possible.
Periodically, shut off all power at the main
circuit breaker and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore
Vent your septic into the house and yell
"venting sanitaries inboard".
Shut off all the breakers in the house and yell
"reactor scram', sit in the dark for at least an hour.
If any light bulbs should inadvertently go out
(i.e. reactor scram above), make sure you hang danger tags on the light switch, fuse or
breaker box, lamp plug or cord, home master breaker panel and also notify the local
utility company (maneuvering) of what you are doing and demand their approval. Make sure
both you and the wife sign the tags. Next tie a rope to yourself and have someone who just
as soon see you dead hold the rope in case you get electrocuted while changing the bulb.
Repeat back everything anyone says to you.
Spend as much time as possible indoors and avoid
sun light. Only view the world through the peep hole on your front door.
Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the
middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level. Shower once a week.
Use no more than 2 gallons of water per shower.
Buy a trash compactor and use it once a week. Store
garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
Sit in your car for six hours a day with your hands
on the wheel and the motor running, but don't go anywhere. Install 200 extra oil
temperature gauges. Take logs on all gages and indicators every 30 minutes.
Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water
and set it to "High".
Watch only unknown movies with no major stars on TV
and then, only at night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then watch a
Don't do your wash at home. Pick the most crowded
Laundromat you can find.
(Optional for Nukes and A-Div) Leave lawnmower
running in your living room six hours a day for proper noise level.
Take hourly readings on your electric and water
Invite guests, but don't have enough food for them.
Buy a broken exercise bicycle and strap it down to
the floor in your kitchen.
Eat only food that you get out of a can or have to
add water to or make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food
cabinets or refrigerator.
Once a month take every major appliance completely
apart and then put them back together. Ensure you have parts left over.
Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to
come and visit for a couple of months. Limit showers to weekly for all guests. (Unless
they are interested in electronics....force those guests to shower three times daily and
wear * bottle of stale cologne following each bathing).
Store your eggs in your garage for two months and
then scramble a dozen each morning.
Check your refrigerator compressor for "sound
Put a complicated lock on your basement door and
wear the key on a lanyard around your neck.
Lockwire the lugnuts on your car.
When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan
while it is baking. Then spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top.
Use kool aid on all your breakfast cereals for 2
Fill laundry tubs with oil. Lay in them, on your
back, and change the washers on the water spigots.
While doing laundry, replace liquid fabric softener
with diesel Fuel... savor the aroma of AMR2LL.
Install more commodes in your bathroom. Serve many
greasy meals and ensure the entire family goes to the bathroom together.
Buy bunk beds (3 high type) and convert the
narrowest hallway in your home into a bedroom.
Just for fun, rig 700 PSI air to the bottom of all
toilets. Hold a lottery to determine who gets to control the air valves.
Knock a glass of water out of someone's hand and
yell 'SPILL'. Shout at them the entire time they clean it up, tell them how worthless they
are, then do it again.
Give your wife more free time. All the ironing goes
under the mattress.
Ask for 'permission to enter' whenever you go into
At night, replace all lightbulbs in the livingroom
with red bulbs.
Buy all food in cases and line the floor with them.
Replace all doorways with windows so that you have
to step up AND duck to go through them.
Rope off a small area of your living room, turn off
the AC, put on a suit made of garbage bags and mill around inside the roped off area for
an hour with a zip lock bag tied securely around your head.
Whenever someone enters a room you're cleaning,
shout "up and over" at them so they'll go through the attic to get to the
Tell your kids to "go find me a can of
relative bearing grease".
Have your kids stand at attention everytime you
enter the room and make them state quite loudly, "Attention on Deck"or
"Make a Hole".
Start every story with "This is no-shit".
Order a dozen foxtails and tell your family that
there will be no liberty until every thing in the house passes the white glove test.
Tell your kids there will be a pressure test in the
garage next Monday night. Kid who can take the most turns in the vise will get to stay out
later Friday night.
Hookup your air compressor to the sewer line to the
house and blow a shit geyser ten feet in the air. Come in side and tell you wife
"calmly" I forgot to shut the valve.
Make her and the kids clean up the mess.
Install a Furnace and Air Conditioner that blows
directly on you while you are sleeping. Have the controls so they will cycle to hot and
cold in a matter of seconds. Also install a multi-channel entertainment system over your
rack that don't work.
Install the system above where it will cause a 6
inch vacuum in the bedroom.
Set a engine in the living room to run through all
this. So when you secure from field day, run like a bat out of hell to shut down the
Make you kids some Kool-Aid and add 5 times more
sugar than normal and then set it out to get hot.
Raise hell with the old lady when she serves steak
next time. When she says that the way it can from the store. You ask BURNT?
Hire about 20 drunks to come into you house about 1
in the morning and start cooking.
Just have someone eat your ass over nothing, daily.
Go to the market and buy 100 quarts of milk. Pour
them into a large white trash bag and secure. Put the bag into the refrigerator and rename
it "The Cow."
Remodel your house so as to rebuild your kitchen in
the hall closet. Have your family meet there several times a day to walk around in the
closet and bump into each other. Have someone shout "millaround in the after
Post the Uniform Code of Military Justice on the
wall across from your toilet. Highlight the parts that begin: "penetration however
Take the jack handle out of your trunk and install
it in the ceiling over your stove. Several times a day, give it 112 turns and yell:
"main induction secured."
Every Friday morning at 7:30, wake the whole house
up and inform them someone is trying to steal the car, then make them clean the whole
house for 3 hours, then serve them lunch with consists of 2 hamburgers that have enough
grease in them to change the oil in the car for a year, buns that weigh more than a TDU
weight, and french fries. Then run various drills in afternoon so that you have to burp
into your scuba mask reliving the lunch.
Practice walking quickly with your back to the
Rope off a small area of your living room, turn off
the AC, put on a yellow suit and mill around inside the roped off area for an hour with a
zip lock bag tied securely around your head. Insure the family critiques your actions
Work at golf course maintenance so you can water
golf cart batteries.
When your wife throws open the curtains in your
closet make sure that the sewer vent is piped into your rack.
Cut a hole in the floor of your house and install
some batteries. Go down there once a day and take specific gravities.
Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides
of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good
distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small dead
animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's sock.
Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for
the first hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and night crew
bump around and wake you up. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure you are tossed
around the remaining three hours. Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire
alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new wave rock band.
Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to
your garage and wait two weeks before eating them.
Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices
you can grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three
Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint
everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.
Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but
two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet at all times.
Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every
two days to simulate collision injuries sustained aboard Navy ships.
When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six
days, or until it is hard and stale.
Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port.
Go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, and
ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours.
Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you
double because you dress funny and don't speak right.
Use fresh milk for only two days after each port
Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 degrees C and use
only a thin blanket for warmth.
Ensure that the water heater is connected to a
device that provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a weak trickle,
with the temperature alternating rapidly from 2 to 95 degrees F.
Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at
Make sure every water valve in your home has two
backups in line which must all be operated to obtain water.
Repaint the interior of your home every month,
whether it needs it or not.
Lock all friends and family outside. Your only
means of communication should be with letters that your neighbors have held for at least
three weeks, discarding two of five.
Surround yourself with 125 people that you don't
really know or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill, and use foul
Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut
yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbor bring you a Time, Newsweek, or Naval
Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current events.
Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate
the smell of 40 people using the same commode.
Lock the bathrooms twice a day for a four hour
Practice taking a shower with a quart of water.
Work in 19 hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at
a time, to ensure that your body neither knows nor cares if it day or night.
Listen to your favorite CD 6 times/day for two
weeks, then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your
Wash your laundry in a detergent that could be used
as an insecticide or sheep dip. Make sure you lose at least one sock and one pair
underwear every other week.
Run a tube from your car's exhaust pipe into your
living room, yell "prepare to snorkel", and start the car. You must breathe the
fumes for one hour.
Stand on your roof once every four days for six
hours in the winter and don't let anyone in your house.
Spend 3 or 4 hours waxing your floors to
perfection. Then, just before they dry, invite the whole neighborhood over to walk across
them. Then do it again.
Ensure that no matter what kind of job you are
working on, there is someone standing over your shoulder instructing you on how to do it
better/faster even though they can't do it themselves.
Write a procedure in triplicate for every job you
do around the house. Have a friend check your work and make a minimum of 5 changes. When
finished and the new forms are ready, have your wife verify that the procedure is correct
but make ten changes anyway.
Find out how long it will take to do a job. Give
yourself half the time it should take, then have someone scream at you for not working
Ensure that every room in your house is drastically
different in temperature. If no condensation appears when you open a door, the temperature
difference is not great enough. Make sure your bedroom only has two temperatures (100F or
20F) and nothing between. Make sure of hourly cycles throughout the night.
Paint all windows black and never go or think about
Make sure all your personal belongings will fit in
a 2'X2' space that has lots of cables running through it.
Mount as many sharp-cornered lockers as you can in
all the most traveled halls of your house. Leave almost room to squeeze by.
a. Yell "Torpedo Evasion" and run through the house knocking over everything
that isn't bolted down.
b. Yell "Man Overboard" and throw the cat in the pool.
c. Overflow the bathtub and yell "Flooding in the bathroom".
d. Put your stereo headphone on (don't plug them in), stand in front of the stove and yell
"Battle Stations Missile".
e. Install a fireman's pole and a ladder in your living room so you can practice yelling
"Dive-Dive", while the wife slides down the pole while you time her.
Continuously pop your ears to simulate snorkeling.